Okay, I realize I have been building up the anticipation a bit and you are probably waiting for me to reveal some type of big “Aha!” moment where the heavens opened up and God audibly spoke to me and told me that (you can fill in the blank) is what I am supposed to be doing and that it is something big and fancy and important and has an easy to define title.
I hope I have not let you down and that you will keep reading because He did speak to me. He spoke to my heart and gave me clarity for this season, and I am going to do my best to explain.
If there is anything I have learned about the call of God is that it doesn’t arrive on your doorstep on your 18th birthday, neatly packaged inside a cardboard box with a small plastic bag of bolts and an instruction manual.
In my experience, the call of God is more like a wild scavenger hunt.
Phillip and I have been youth pastors for most of our marriage and one of my favorite memories was this Pumpkin Hunt that we had in a small mountain town where we were ministering at the time. If you have never heard of a Pumpkin Hunt before, here are the basics. You hide a big pumpkin somewhere in town and then you hide clues all over town that lead to one another and eventually to the pumpkin. You divide into teams, hop into a couple of cars and drive all over the place, trying to find all of the clues and be the first team to locate the pumpkin. This particular Pumpkin Hunt was so much fun because it was such a small town and we hid clues under the gas station pump and on the football field and at the BBQ restaurant and we laughed until we cried. It was a crazy, exhilarating night that I will never forget.
I think the call of God is kind of like that. It’s this exhilarating journey that is full of surprises and turns and laughter and tears. He provides clues along the way that take you to the next step in the journey, and you simply have faith that each clue will eventually lead you to your final destination.
So I guess you could kind of say that I have been standing at the gas station pump for a little while, trying to figure out the meaning of the next clue, and at the IF:Gathering, it finally began to make more sense.
So what is it? This additional role that I have been searching for, this target to which I can be aimed and released?
Here it is. Woman of God.
Now that might not make much sense to you but it speaks volumes to me.
And I don’t mean Woman of God as in my-anointing-is-greater-than-your-anointing. I simply mean a woman who fully finds her identity in Christ and is secure and confident in that.
For the past five years I have blogged bits and pieces of my journey to finding myself and embracing the woman that God has uniquely created and called me to be.
And for the most part…
I have found my way as a mother and owned it.
I have found my way as a homeschooler and owned it.
I have found my way as a homemaker and owned it.
I have found my way as a decorator and owned it.
I have even begun to find my sense of style this past year and am trying to own it.
All of those things that don’t matter so much yet they make up the whole of who we are.
But this Woman of God role is one I have really struggled to own because I tend to get caught up in all of my insecurities. And these insecurities have kept me from fully embracing a call that God has on my life, but the Lord is telling me that it is time to move forward in that call.
You see, I am called to spur women on in their walk with the Lord. I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like exactly, but I have these words that He’s given me: gather, mentor, disciple, pour in, encourage, resource, equip, intentional, authentic.
This call is something the Lord spoke to me when I was just a teenager and I marveled at the thought of it and tucked it away for the someday when I would be old enough to lead women. And now I am 34 and still feel very much like that teenager, marveling at the call, hoping that someday I will feel old enough to do what God has called me to do.
So in the meantime, I hide in my roles of wife, mother, homemaker, and homeschooler and come up with a lot of creative ideas on the side that the Lord just won’t release me to do.
And in my quiet times with Him, He whispers His ideas and words to my heart and I jot down those God-sized-dreams right alongside my creative ones but they get jumbled together and His are often lost on the pages because I let my insecurities take over.
I don’t have the personality.
I don’t have the voice.
I don’t have the talent.
I don’t have the title.
I don’t have the readership.
I don’t have the connections.
I don’t have the seminary education.
I don’t have the time.
BUT I know I have the call. And He has the rest.
So what does this mean moving forward? How do I own this role of Woman of God and fully embrace this call to lead women?
The answer is simply to listen and obey and to trust that when I turn around and look back at my journey many years from now, the dots of my obedience will be connected and the big picture will make sense.
I have so much more to share with you, but because this post is already long, I will end here for today. Over the next day or two, I plan to talk about some of the specific things that the Lord showed me that I have been allowing to distract me and feed my insecurities as well as some intentional steps of obedience that I know I need to take in order to move forward.
In His love and grace.