Before I can really begin to share what God spoke to me last weekend during the IF:Gathering, I need to back up a little bit to share where my head and my heart have been for the last year or so.
Last spring, Phillip and I began working through Donald Miller’s course called Creating Your Life Plan. We were watching the videos and working through the modules until we arrived at Module 4 and I got stuck. It seemed like such a simple assignment, to list the roles that I play in life and to keep it to no more than five. I listed wife, mother, homemaker, homeschooler, and…???.
And that’s where I got stuck and have remained until now.
Not because I feel pressure to have another role, or feel dissatisfaction with any of my roles, but because I feel this desire and this call to do more than I am currently doing. You see, I have all this passion and energy and creativity stirring inside of me and I feel like an arrow pulled back in the bow, ready to be released with swiftness and force. I just can’t seem to locate the target.
So for the past year or so, I have been searching for that target. I have been giving myself permission to dream and to say yes, but yes to what exactly? I have friends who are writers and because they have busy family lives like mine, they get up super early to write. I want so badly to do that. Not to get up at 5am to write necessarily, but to have something that I am so passionate about and feel called to do, that I am willing to sacrifice a few extra hours of sleep to do it.
I am a creative and artistic type and I would really love to be somebody in the creative world. I love to decorate and do DIY projects and sew and knit and make pretty things. I dream of having an Etsy shop or redoing furniture or running a successful blog about decorating and DIY projects. I dream about gathering women together and hosting craft nights. I am also passionate about homeschooling and motherhood and family discipleship and I have a list of blog posts and ebooks that I would like to write and resources I would love to create.
I am full of dreams and ideas, of names and taglines and words scribbled in journals. And let me tell you, some of them are great ideas and I know that if I would just release the arrow and put some focused time and energy toward the target, I could really make some things happen.
But this quote right here, it keeps my arrow in place for the time being.
“I used to be afraid at failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid at succeeding at things that don’t matter.” ~ Bob Goff, Love Does
I agree wholeheartedly! I don’t want to succeed at something that doesn’t matter. I don’t want to succeed at something that God hasn’t called me to do.
So rather than succeeding at the wrong thing, I do nothing.
Well, I do nothing outside of being a wife, mom, homemaker, and homeschooler. And don’t get me wrong, I am so very happy in these roles. Happy enough that I can easily lose myself in my home and my family and just spend my free time doing crafts and reading books. It sounds delightful. But there is that stirring that I just can’t ignore and always this question of WHAT is it that I am supposed to be doing in addition to these roles. How can I use my free time and my gifts and talents for His glory?
So I brought that stirring and the question of WHAT to the table with me when I worked on my Powersheets a few weeks ago and after writing out a few nice goals about being a better wife, mom, homemaker, and homeschooler as well as goals to improve in personal self-care and creative skills, I once again found myself stuck. With no more answers than before, I decided that I would simply embrace the blank. Embrace the not knowing and just think of myself as a “jack of all trades, master of none” and hopefully figure something out along the way.
Sounds like an awesome plan, right?
Well, as I told you, I came back from losing my grandfather and my plans meant absolutely nothing to me anymore. Once again, I felt so lost. And as the IF:Gathering drew near, I prayed for the Lord to give me some clarity. I prayed that He would help me answer these questions…
What really matters?
What is distracting me? Is it worth it?
Who are the voices that I’m allowing to speak into my life?
What is my true passion, my message, my aim? What am I willing to “sell out” for? (In other words, what am I willing to get up at 5am for?)
And during the IF:Gathering, He spoke to me and I listened.
To be continued…