Life In Between

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A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook page yesterday…

It’s been over a week and no new blog post?! Ma’am what is up?!

To which I replied…

Busy and overwhelmed! 🙁

If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you have probably noticed that I go MIA a lot. When things in my life get busy and overwhelming, blogging tends to be one of the first things I put on the back burner. 
 
April/May is a busy time for me at the church because I am in charge of two large events held two weekends back-to-back. Then there is just simply being the mama of two little boys, taking care of my home, working in my garden, sewing a quilt, reading good books, knitting a cute little dress (which I finished last night!), and watching Downton Abbey. Oh, and I started running and doing Power 90 again. (Unfortunately my “break for the Holidays” turned into a 5 month workout hiatus, which I am ashamed to admit.)
But that’s just all the busy stuff. And really, I love to stay busy. I have never been one much for relaxing. So that leaves the whole “overwhelmed” part. And this part is hard to explain.
You see, I am a little weird. In the mountains where we used to live, they called it “quar.”
I tend to see things differently then most people around me, and I am passionate about things that not many in my circles really care about.
Faith
Politics
Parenting
Culture
Lifestyle
Education
Most of my views on these topics are very different than those of my friends, my family, and my church. And since I dislike confrontation, I tend to just keep my mouth shut, paste a smile on my face, and nod my head. I am more vocal here on the blog, but there are still many posts I never publish, and ideas scribbled in a notebook that never make it to the tapping of the keys.
And it eats away at me. I feel stuck in between. In between the person I truly am and the person that I try to be for everyone else. I am 31. When will I finally be comfortable to truly be myself? How am I supposed to raise my boys to live authentically if I struggle to live authentically in front of them?
For a long time I struggled with finding my identity, but over the last couple of years, I feel like I have “found myself” and discovered the things that are truly important to me. Now I just struggle with the boldness to live it.
I kind of feel like a caterpillar who has already turned into a butterfly, but still finds herself trapped inside the cocoon. And for some reason, that feels particularly overwhelming this week.
Always,
Amanda

 



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Comments

  1. Came across your blog today from your Mothering Mantras post, and just wanted to echo your frustrations at feeling caught in-between. I’m there, too – between comfortable and radical Christianity, between wanting to raise my children in a safe, beautiful place and wanting to raise them to be prophetic voices against the status quo. It’s a messy place, this grey between the black and white. But it’s always affirming to know we’re not alone there. Blessings on your journey!

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